Just in Time for the Holidays


#1

A life long friend of mine sent me these, just in time for the Holidays.

DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID …IF SHE HAD TO TELL ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”

WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED …CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? …ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES BUTTONS?

HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD “DEER CROSSING” SIGNS?

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS:…THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO,…WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, …WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?

WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, …DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Coach B.


#2

Rolling on the floor, laughing my heinie off…


#3

Actually, one of those questions is very serious. The reason there’s an expiration date on sour cream is the reason there’s an expiration date on all dairy products—beyond a certain point they start to go bad. That’s why, when you’re buying milk or sour cream or yogurt or whatever in the dairy case, you have to read the expiration date. :slight_smile:


#4

That question was actually first posed by a Major League Pitcher, Larry Anderson. His famous quote was, [quote=“Larry Anderson”]A few things have been eating at me. Was Robin Hood’s mother known as Mother Hood? How do you know when you run out of invisible ink? Why does sour cream have an expiration date?[/quote]


#5

In a similar vein:

Are there land gulls?

Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?

Why aren’t orange trees orange?

Christmas Bonus:

Q: Who is bigger, Mr. Bigger or his toddler son?

A: His son is a little Bigger.


#6

Besides the “7 words” George Carlin made a career out of some of those :smiley:


#7

A statement once uttered by a college friend " you can sleep in your car but you can’t drive your house" :slight_smile:


#8

Loved this, several occasions i had to stop for a laugh :smiley:


#9

Coach Baker-
those are great!
Make sure to thank your friend for me.
:lol: