How to handle a guy who just won’t listen!

You’ve tried and tried to talk some sense into the guy. You’ve encouraged him, padded him on the back and tried to ease his anguish. You’ve sat there with him in the dugout after being shelled repeatedly. Ain’t nothing working!!! He’s got his own ideas, his own way of doing things, his personality is a toxic waste site, and on it goes.

Ok, time to due some relief of your frustrations!

You call time, go to the mound … and …

(1) Take the ball from his hand … look at it … and say … “oh, I see what’s wrong, this darn ball is broken … you need one that ain’t broke … it’s not you … it’s the ball!
(2) After repeated pitches have gone into the upper decks … walk to the mound, take the new ball from his hand … look at it … pull a gift bow out of your pocket - stick it on the ball and say .” ya might as well gift wrap the darn thing ?
(3) Call the entire infield in around the mound, and while you guy is standing next to the rubber, ask the infield guys …” hey, any of you guys seen the pitcher that we put here a while ago - he’s gone!!
(4) If you know someone with a loud speaker … just when the other team’s batter steps into the box… yell out … now batting … “give your pitchers number and his name!”
(5) …( I actually did this… … got tossed for doing it though) Bring an alarm clock out with you for the visit … put it to your pitcher’s face… hit the alarm button and …RING – RING – RING … then yell … WAKE UP !!!
(6) Put both hands on your hips … look your guy in face and ask him … “ do you know the difference between a baseball game and the Boston Marathon? Because the guys in the other dugout keep crossing the finish line every time you pitch !!!”
(7) According to the rules of the baseball, this mound is only suppose to be about ten inches high … maybe this one’s higher … how’s the air up there???
8 Hold up your thumb and ask your guy …” How man fingers am I holding up?” If he says one.… motion to the bullpen … then tell your guy … “ I got to get a man who knows the difference between fingers and thumbs … then we’ll work on the more challenging stuff like balls and strikes!”

Finally … call your broker and purchase more shares in the makers of Prilosec - OTC.

Coach B.


I have had visions of approaching the mound with a taser. I stand about fifteen feet away and hit him right in the chest with two darts that take him down immediately. A couple goons run out with a stretcher and cart my impersonator off the back of the mound. He’s got a big white splotch of rosin on the side of his head from falling on the bag.

I motion to the bullpen for the relief pitcher and he has to be pushed out onto the field…

no more wiseguys the rest of the year! :becareful:

Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

Sometimes the problem will take care of itself.
The Cincinnati Reds once had a pitcher named Jay Hook who was, to put it mildly, inconsistent. He was like the little girl with the curl in the old nursery rhyme; when he was good, he was very good, but when he was bad he stank on hot ice. Well, on one occasion he stank on hot ice; he was pitching against the Pirates and they were eating him alive, turning everything he threw into line-drive extra-base hits. Finally the manager had to take him out of the game, and when Hook returned to the dugout he sat in a corner bemoaning the loss of his fast ball—it had just up and deserted him.
Relief pitcher Jim Brosnan—who might have made a very good pitching coach if he had been so inclined—tried to explain to him that no pitcher has all his best stuff every time out. He said, “That’s when you learn this game. You have other pitches to throw; use them when your fast ball isn’t there.” But he might as well have been talking to the wall. Hook appeared not to hear him; he just sat there and moaned, over and over, “Without my fast ball I can’t pitch.” So Brosnan gave up trying to talk to him.
Hook didn’t last long in the majors after that. He had stunk on hot ice once too often.
I would suggest that the best way to deal with a pitcher like that is just drop him from the rotation. Stick him in the bullpen and never call on him for anything but mop-up jobs when your team is way behind. And at the end of the season, lose him. You have more important things to do than to try to teach a pitcher who won’t listen. :roll: