Every once and a while I’d remember some remark or quote from someone with the wit and timing that would say something so appropriate for the moment. For example:
A salesman once said to me that one of the reasons why he’s good at his job, is because he’s a good listener. He followed that up by making this statement: …“the good Lord gave me two ears and only one mouth, so I should listen more and talk less…”
It’s a custom in baseball that when a pitcher tosses his first pitch in a game at a level that’s really important – like in the first game of his professional career, first pitch in the majors, etc., the catcher will catch it, toss it to the dugout and someone would save it for the guy. On one accusation a rookie comes into our dugout, looks for his first pitched ball and has it delivered to him by our skipper with these words…
Here ya go … oh, by the way… this was a ball count… right? Well, if you’re going to make it this business, I’d start by saving the strikes more than these… just a hunch…”
I said something that had our whole dugout laughing. I was sitting the bench, it was a meaningless game and our coach thought he’d give some of the other guys some time. One of our pitchers nails somebody square in the back with a hard fastball and it was loud. So I yell out as the guy jogs to first base.
And sometimes it’s what ISN’T said that’s very funny. There’s a story about a game in progress in which one player was having some issues with the plate umpire. The guy came up to bat, and the count ran to one ball, two strikes, and the batter turned to the umpire and said “What would you do if I called you a meathead, sourpussed old crab?” The umpire said “I’d run you out of the game.” Batter: “And if I thought you were all that but didn’t say anything?” Umpire: “I couldn’t do anything.” The player stood there and stared at the umpire for some moments, and then as he turned back to the business at hand he said "All right, we can now resume play."
And on the next pitch he belted a double.
I also recall a story about a pitcher named Bill Zuber, who knocked around the majors for some years. He was with the Boston Red Sox for a while, and being a grizzled veteran he took it upon himself to counsel and advise younger pitchers. During one game he told a young rookie never to throw Joe DiMaggio a changeup. As the game went on, things got out of hand, the Yankees were building up a handsome lead, and suddenly Mr. Zuber found himself being called in from the bullpen to pitch—and the first batter he had to face was Joe DiMaggio! He threw a changeup, and DiMag belted it into the right field stands foul. Zuber threw another change, and this time Joltin’ Joe didn’t miss; he blasted it into the upper deck in right field for a three-run homer, which really put the game out of reach. Zuber was taken out of the game, and later on, when the inning was over, someone went looking for him and found him in the Red Sox locker room banging his head against the wall. And Zuber was muttering furiously to himself: "Dumb Dutchman! Dumb goddamn Dutchman! I tell the kid not to throw a change and then I do it myself! Dumb Dutchman!"
This, by the way, was in 1946. 8)
I was once catching for someone who liked to read the Hardy Boys mystery books and he was having a hard time throwing strikes so I said: “Do we have to get the Hardy boys to find the strike zone for you?”
