Baseball Stories (funny, true, or fiction) and quotes

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life,
she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.

Is There Baseball In Heaven?

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90’s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man’s friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven."
The dying man said, “We’ve been friends for years, this I’ll do for you.” And then he dies.
A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend’s voice. The voice says, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there’s baseball in heaven.”
“What’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching on Wednesday.”

It was so foggy today that the Cubs couldn’t even see who was beating them.

MLB is deciding whether or not to reinstate Pete Rose in the 98 season.
When asked about it, Rose said, “I hope they do, cause I’ve got $50 riding on it.”

More and more stadiums are bring back natural grass, they have too.
All that tobacco juice is killing the Astroturf.

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, “You don’t have a chance, I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here”.
“Yes”, snickered the devil, “but I have all the umpires.”

One morning in elementary school, the students were going to a geography class. The teacher wanted to show the students where cities and states are.
The teacher asks the class, “Does anyone know where Pittsburgh is?” Billy raises up his hand and says, “Yeah, Pennsylvania!”. The teacher replies, "Very good, Billy!, now can anyone tell me were Detroit is?"
Suzy raises her hand and says, “That’s in Michigan!” The teacher again says, "Very good."
Trying to confuse the children, she now asks, “Where’s Kansas City?” Tommy raises his hand and says, “Oh Oh Pick me!!!, I know?” The teacher says, “OK, Tommy where is Kansas City?”
“Last place.”

The Cleveland Symphony Orchestra was rehearsing Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony. There is an extensive section where the bass players don’t play for twenty minutes of so. One of them decided that, rather than stand around on stage looking bored and stupid, they’d all just file offstage during their tacit-time and hang out backstage, then return when they were about to play. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
On the night of the performance, the bass players filed off as planned. The last one had barely left the stage when the leader suggested, "Hey we’ve got twenty minutes, let’s fun across the street to the bar for a few!"
This idea was met with great approval, so off they went, tuxedos and all, to loosen up. Fifteen minutes and a few rounds later, one of the bass players said, "Shouldn’t we be heading back? It’s almost time."
But the leader announced, "Oh don’t worry, we’ll have some extra time - I played a little joke on the conductor. Before the performance started, I tied string around each page of his score so that he’d have to untie each page to turn it. The piece will drag on a bit. We’ve got time for another round!"
So another round they did, and finally - sloshed and staggering - they made their way back across the street to finish Ludwig’s 9th.
Upon entering the stage, they immediately noticed the conductor’s haggard, drawn and livid expression.
“Gee,” one player queried, “Why do you suppose he looks so tense?”
“You’d be tense, too,” laughed the leader. “It’s the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied and the basses are loaded.”

The other day was take your daughter to work day. The Cubs had a fun time, played a little scrimmage against their daughters.

Unfortunately they lost, 15-3.

The stock market really plummeted today, but luckily there is a computer chip that is used to turn off the board if it gets too low.

The Cubs have the same chip in their scoreboard.

This couple just recently got a divorce and they decided to move away from each other and go there separate ways. So, the father sat down and talked with his son and he said “Son, I think that it is best that you go and live with your mother.” The kid said “No, I won’t because she beats me.” Then, the mother came in and talked to the son, “I think it is best that you go and live with your father” “NO NO,” he replied, “He beats me.” So then, both the parents sat down and said to their son, “Well if we both beat you, then who do you want to live with?” The son said, “The Red Sox. They can’t beat anyone.”

Two boys are playing hockey on an inlet on a pond in suburban Chicago when one is attacker by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to the boy. “Young White Sox Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Sox fan,” the little hero replied.

“Sorry, since we are in Chicago, I just assumed you were,” said the reporter, and he began writing again.

“Cubs Fan Rescues Friends from Horrific Attack,” he continued writing in his notebook.

“I’m not a Cubs fan either,” the boy said.

“I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs or the Sox. What team do you root for?” inquired the reporter. “I’m a Yankees fan,” the child responded.

The reporter turned the page in his notebook and wrote “Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet.”

Two guys are walking down a street in hell when it begins to snow.

One guy looks up at it and says, “Well, it finally happened. The Cubs just won the World Series.”

Well, at least the Cubs are trying.

They installed a new pitching machine the other day. Unfortunately it beat them 4-1.

Well, it’s time for the All-Star game again.

Or as the Tigers call it, baseball fantasy camp.

What is the difference between Yankee fans and dentists?

One roots for the yanks, and the other yanks for the roots.

What takes longer, running from first base to second, or from second to third?

Second to third, because you have to go through a shortstop.

Why did the coach kick Cinderella off the baseball team?

Because she ran away from the ball.

Why is it so hot at Phillies games?

Because there’s not a fan in the place.

You heard about the big oil spill off the coast here?
Well they’ve hired the Dodgers to help clean it up. Yeah, they just go out there and throw in the towel.