Baseball Stories (funny, true, or fiction) and quotes

This thread is for silly, preposterous, exaggerated, baseball yarns.
Pretend you are a newspaper reporter covering baseball events.
Or just plain make up a funny baseball story.
Try to write a story or sports report that will make someone laugh.
You don’t even have to make up the story,
if there’s a funny baseball story you know that is true-
please post it!
If you know a funny baseball joke-
post that too.
Quotes are also acceptable.

Gosh, CardsWin, I know so many such stories, I don’t know quite where to start—so I will share one with you that is wacky as all get-out just because it happens to be true.
This one took place in the National League back in the 1930s—funny how so many such things happen in that league. There was one manager, I forget just who—his team had hit a rough patch and was losing a lot of games, and after thinking about it he was convinced that the problem was dental. So he decreed that every one of the players was to visit the team dentist and get their teeth checked out. All complied—except one outfielder. So the manager pulled that player aside and started hollering at him and telling him he had to go see the dentist. That player lost his temper, and he reached into his mouth and pulled out a complete set of false teeth which he shoved into the manager’s hand, yelling “Here, YOU take them to him and find out what’s wrong with them!” :lol:

Shawnyville Underdogs come out on top after marathon!

After two days, four hours, and thirteen minutes, the game between the Shawnyville Underdogs and the Varney Stars finally came to an end.
The game has lasted for a total of fifty-two hours and thirteen minutes.
Shawnyville came out on top with a score of 413-412.
The Underdogs scored in the bottom of the 204th inning.
James Sucker came around with the winning run on an in-the-park homerun (it landed four feet in front of the plate, the fielders on the opposing team were too tired to get the ball.).
Sucker also led the Underdogs with 119 RBIs (99 hits, 38HR, 16 triples, 29 doubles, and 16 singles).
Sucker currently paces the WFL (western football league) with a .999 BA.
The Shawnyville Underdogs’ pitchers dominated the game with a total of:
(the opposing team had a total of 459 AB) 27 Ks, no walks or HBP (they did give up 432 hits). Sam “Old Dog” Bincher got the win in relief.
Uma Thurman led the Underdog’s pitching staff with 204 innings (he pitched the complete game).
Shawnyvilles’ hitters exploded for a combined total of 294 solo-shot HR
(excluding James Sucker).
Both teams had used up all their benchs, and had been forced to use their coaches and managers as players.
Varney’s manager Tommy “Big Daddy” Haplin gave up the game-winning run in the bottom of the 204th.
The two teams will meet again next week with ace “Johnny Sorman” up against Bill “Ol’ Sour” Apple.

[quote=“Zita Carno”]Gosh, CardsWin, I know so many such stories, I don’t know quite where to start—so I will share one with you that is wacky as all get-out just because it happens to be true.
This one took place in the National League back in the 1930s—funny how so many such things happen in that league. There was one manager, I forget just who—his team had hit a rough patch and was losing a lot of games, and after thinking about it he was convinced that the problem was dental. So he decreed that every one of the players was to visit the team dentist and get their teeth checked out. All complied—except one outfielder. So the manager pulled that player aside and started hollering at him and telling him he had to go see the dentist. That player lost his temper, and he reached into his mouth and pulled out a complete set of false teeth which he shoved into the manager’s hand, yelling “Here, YOU take them to him and find out what’s wrong with them!” :lol:[/quote]

Do you remember which team it was?
Sometimes the true stories are the funniest,
at least I think so.

Once,
a player was asked by a reporter why he kneeled down on the field right at the start of every inning.
The reporter asked, “Are you praying that your team will win?”.
“No,” replied the player, “I’m praying that we won’t lose.”

[quote=“CardsWin”][quote=“Zita Carno”]Gosh, CardsWin, I know so many such stories, I don’t know quite where to start—so I will share one with you that is wacky as all get-out just because it happens to be true.

There’s plenty of room for many stories.

This is a true story;

Apparently my great-aunts father looked a lot like Stan Musial… So, one time he went to a Cardinals game, and a ton of people came up to him while he was waiting in line and starting asking for autographs… He gave them what they asked for and signed them all… With his real name… I wish I could see their faces when they saw that…

P.S.
I don’t know who wrote this.

CardsWin, I think it may have been the Giants—everything seemed to be happening to them in the 1930s.
And here’s one on Branch Rickey. One time he was going at it with a rookie regarding what salary should be offered. The player wanted one figure, Rickey another, and they kept going at it, back and forth, back and forth, and coming no closer to an agreement. Finally Rickey said to him, “The trouble with you, son, is that you can’t hit a happy medium.” The player exploded: “What do you mean? I can hit anything they throw up there!”
(I was reminded of this as I thought about the apparent impasse between Derek Jeter and the Yankees’ front office.) :slight_smile:

According to the Chicago Tribune, the following statistic was given in the press notes for the June 7 Chicago-Oakland game:

The Oakland Athletics are 32-0 in games in which they have scored more runs than their opponents.

A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game. He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game. The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, “Damn it, the jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going.”

A couple of Yogi Berra’s teammates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here.”
“You don’t understand,” says the man. “This is no regular dog, he can talk.”
“Listen, pal,” says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I’ll give you a hundred bucks."
The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, “What’s on top of a house?”
“Roof!”
“Right. And what’s on the outside of a tree?”
“Bark!”
“And who’s the greatest baseball player of all time?”
“Ruth!”
“I guess you’ve heard enough,” says the man. "I’ll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious. “Listen, pal,” he says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they’re on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, “Do you think I should have said ‘DiMaggio’?”
:lol:

A Spaniard name Jose came to Miami and wanted to attend a big league game. To his dismay he found that all the seats were sold out. However, the management gave him a high seat by the flagpole. When he returned to his home country his friends asked him, “What kind of people are those Americans?” He said, “Fine people, they gave me a special seat at the ball game and just before the game started that all stood up and sang ‘Jose can you see.’”

"A young lady arrived at her first ballgame during the 5th inning. “The score is 0 to 0,” she heard a nearby fan say. “Oh, good,” she cooed to her boyfriend, “then we haven’t missed a thing.”

Bill Clinton was at a baseball game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.

President Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.

The secret service man came running up to him and said, “Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch.”

Comedian Rich Hall said he figured out why Pete Rose isn’t in the Hall of Fame.

“Pete was probably sitting in some bar and told this guy he wouldn’t make the Hall of Fame.”

"That’s crazy,’’ the guy replies, “Of course, you can get in. Look at all the records you set”

“Bet you a million bucks I don’t get elected.”

Did you hear? Detroit is building a new stadium but it is keeping its location hidden from the public.

Yeah, they’re afraid the Tigers will find out where it is and try to play there.

During the '94 baseball strike, Dodger stadium chefs and other workers couldn’t work. Therefore the famous Dodger Dogs wouldn’t be made for sometime.

As a result, the workers set free hundreds upon hundreds of gerbils, rodents, and other mammals.

During that big NBC fire at Rockefeller Center, a man was actually forced to leap from windows. Luckily, he was caught by the kid from the Yankee’s game.

I don’t understand baseball at all, do you?

You don’t have to understand it. Everything is decided by a man they call a vampire.